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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
I’m gonna make this girl mine….. Right click, Save As….
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.