Daily Silly Status

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?

I went for a 6 mile run tonight. The police are getting in much better shape these days.

I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.

You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch

My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.

Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.

Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?