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I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I’m usually that person who has no idea what’s going on.