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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
I`m not sure how to say this but ... Worcestershire sauce
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.