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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.