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I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?