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Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
If your friends don’t make fun of you, they’re not your true friends.