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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?