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Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace