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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.