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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
That disappointing moment when you pull up to work and it`s not fully engulfed in fire.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.