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Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you’re hot.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(