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Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.