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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner