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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
I`ll go to great lengths to scavenge other devices for batteries, before I will go out to buy new ones
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.