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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
Tieam... problem solved
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D