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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Please don`t hastag out loud...
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.