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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
I`m convinced some people got married just so they could gripe about being married...
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."