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"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Of course I`m a good mother ... They`re still alive aren`t they.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.