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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
my cross-eyed girlfriend left me today. She was seeing someone else.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
If at first you don`t succeed, you`ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn`t succeed either.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M