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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.