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Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.