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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I’m part of the other 2%
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.