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It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.