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I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
if you don`t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.