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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.