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Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
The best thing about weed is it teaches you that it`s okay to take 35 minutes to make a sandwich
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.