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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.