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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver
I´m up way too early for someone who wasn´t planning on seizing the day.