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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Did you know that DNA actually stands for "National Dislectic Association"
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume