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Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I hardly know you…. but, Facebook says it’s your birthday, so happy birthday!
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"