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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Life is fun! You should get one.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.