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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls. No guy has ever said "Bro, she was ugly...but that purse...
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.