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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
Tieam... problem solved