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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Does running out of money count as exercise?
You guys make me wanna be a better alcoholic!
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".