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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.