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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Today, I am doing my part to conserve energe, Iām going back to bed.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.