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Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?