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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I once found a whip, a mask, a baton and handcuffs in my Mother-in-Law`s draw... who knew she was a superhero. Nice!!!
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.