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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.