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Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
No one on Earth has a higher tolerance to cold temperatures than someone who wants to smoke a cigarette.