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If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.