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I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Headaches are when the voices inside my head get into a fist fight.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
Somebody tell me how "Rub a dub dub, 3 men in a tub" became a nursery rhyme?
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
It was so cold out today i actually saw a few gangsters with their pants pulled up.