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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.