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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.