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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them. It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
To all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!