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Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Well, I`m really not sure what my spirt animal is but I`m sure it looks like road kill right about now.
I wonder if they let me grow cannabis on Farmville, I`ll be able to sell it on Mafia Wars?
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
I was born to be happy… not normal.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.