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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Found out the name of my neighbor`s cat. In other news, I now have free internet.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-