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Sh!t`s spiraling out of control and I`m all like "wheeeee."
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.