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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.