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Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
It was all so different before everything changed.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Long story short, I love summaries
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.