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common sense is like deodrant. the people who need it thr most never use it.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.