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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Safe words are for quitters.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.