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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.