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The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It`s H2OMG
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.