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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.